The Less You Respond To Negativity, The More Peaceful Your Life Becomes..

For eight months now the stress of not being able to visit a TDCJ inmate continues. As of yet and regardless of the “chatter” AKA gossip, TDCJ is not releasing thousands of inmates due to the number of inmates transferring from county jails into state prisons.

There are so many rumors out there giving false hope to people who need hope the most that I’m writing this blog while in a truck stop parking lot to stop the rumor mill.

Last weeks conference call didn’t even touch on in person visitation. Instead the focus was on Covid cases. As of yet, we still have no official word on in person visitation in TDCJ facilities.

Meanwhile and since my other clients follow this site, Fort Worth FMC as well as other Federal Facilities has reinstated visitation with preregistration requirements. Please be aware of these requirements.

Lompoc clients, there is a large number of inmates with projected release dates. I will not be returning to Lompoc until February or March of 2021. Normally, I’m in California several times a year but due to client rescheduled event dates of Texas Twins Event’s and The Pawning Planners as well as Federal Clients, traveling to California at this time is improbable if not impossible.

2 of the three clients I was scheduled to marry this week have tested positive for Covid. Please be aware that this virus is still out there. My daughter in law, Stephanie was at a hospital in Tyler last weekend and apparently exposed to Covid while visiting her uncle who was on life support due to a self inflicted gunshot. The issues of this tragic event have caused great anxiety to my daughter in law as well as the possibility of being Covid positive after spending two days at the hospital. In fact, an argument regarding a GoFundMe account to raise money for a funeral rather than a cremation started an argument between my daughter in law and I at a birthday lunch this week. My daughter in law was arguing about what her uncle wanted. I was arguing about him wanting a $10-12k funeral because “he didn’t want to be cremated.” I advised my daughter in law that we are in a pandemic with Christmas right around the corner and people aren’t in a position to fund a full fledged funeral for someone who chose to shoot himself. I then reiterated that my daughter in laws focus needs to be on her son and her husband as well as her job and not at the demands of someone expecting their surviving family to fund an expensive funeral. I’m a realist.

Today while on messenger, “aunt Margie” my daughter in laws aunt had sent me a message and FB hid it since we weren’t connected. The message was somewhat cryptic and led me to suspect it was from one of my clients planning to marry an inmate so I responded. Apparently, Margies son is at Cole Unit in Bonham, Texas. She wanted me to send her the forms to request a Reprieve For Family Emergency. Please be aware that due to Covid, the odds of TDCJ granting a reprieve are slim. Why? Because releasing an inmate to attend a funeral can expose the inmate to Covid. I then sent her a parole packet and letters of support template. She asked me about the forms for a Hardship Transfer which I also sent. Hardship Transfers are tricky. Margie lives 90 minutes from Cole Unit.

While Bridgeport is closer, there is no guarantee that TDCJ will choose a Unit closer simply because it is closer. Further, Bridgeport while operating under TDCJ is one of the very few privately owned Units in Texas. Because of this fact, Bridgeport has different guidelines and does not require offer Unit Photos which is why you never see Unit Photos from Bridgeport unless they are from the parking lot and non authorized.

I then suggested a paupers funeral or donating the body to science since I was asked and was told “I’m not cremating my brother. That’s not what he wanted.”

Folks, I’m going to be blatantly honest about the fact that no one expects death. No one expects suicide. Texas provides paupers funerals for indigent deaths that occur in this state. Another option is cremation. Even if the deceased owns property, the expense of preparing a body along with the casket and other factors can easily run $5-7k.

In the “suicide situation” that presented itself upon my daughter in law the day she and my son were returning from the Colorado Wedding, I found it more than a little selfish that Robert was adamant about not wanting to be cremated. For reasons I don’t understand, trying to explain to my daughter in law that this wasn’t her problem resulted in an argument. My son however saw my point. I spent the rest of my day making food deliveries for our pantry recipients and wondering why on earth my daughter in law thought or expected that strangers would miraculously donate enough money to cover a costly funeral?

Texas has what’s called a Body Disposition Affidavit. If you aren’t married or the next of kin, the decision of what to do with your body can be required with a Body Disposition Affidavit. My father didn’t have one for Gretta. Because he didn’t, Gretta’s sister, Kathy contacted Greenwood and stopped my father from planning and paying for the funeral. For thirty days, Greenwood waited on Kathy to take over funeral planning. For thirty days, the bill to store Gretta grew. After 30 days her body had deteriorated to such an extent that it took me three hours to prepare her for an open casket ceremony. Gretta owned a plot at Greenwood. The cost to prepare, store and bury her was $12k.

Whatever your feelings are regarding death and expenses, if your survivors cannot afford to carry out your wishes, the options left to them are somewhat limited. After all, your family members have bills to pay and families to support.

Today my son called me to tell me about Stephanie and Covid. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that she was exposed going to visit this uncle who had shot himself. I saw photos on the GoFundMe Campaign of several relatives not wearing masks. In fact, yesterday I asked my son “why wasn’t anyone wearing a mask?” Whatever your feelings on masks are, being with a group of people is and can be an event that exposes you to this virus.

This evening while traveling back from a wedding elopement ceremony in Dallas, Cindy called me about one of our former clients, Debbie’s daughter, Hannah calling her about moving in. Hannah is pregnant, 21 and living at home with her mother. Things aren’t going well but moving in with Cindy isn’t the solution to this problem. Cindy is raising her twin granddaughters. For years when her adult daughters, Leigh Ann and Stephaney were in school, their friends would move in with Cindy over and over again. In fact, my sons friend, Jeremy lived with us off and on for a few years. His mom was an alcoholic. But, Cindy and I are older and have commitments that prevent us from housing someone because they’ve been kicked out of the house. Our pantry provides food and clothing but not shelter. We can refer you to a shelter and assistance but we cannot move you into our homes. I’m sorry but we have husbands that don’t even have children of their own and want privacy. In fact they are entitled to some degree of privacy because being married to us is a literal circus of our adult children and grandchildren already. I’m being honest and transparent about this topic.

Hannah balked at my suggestion for family counseling with her mom but Hannah is expecting a child and needs to understand that living with her mother requires attempting to get along with her mother. I have no idea if there’s a relationship at all with Hannah’s mother but I know this, I’ve met Hannah’s mother and she opened her house to her. Hannah needs to follow her moms rules and attempt to get along.

Many of you are already aware that Tiger King is incarcerated at Fort Worth FMC. It’s a media circus there. If you are scheduled for a ceremony at FMC, PLEASE give yourself at least an hour to wade through the traffic. We must arrive on time.

Many of you are contacting me because your LO has made parole. Ceremonies outside of Walls Unit are a celebration of freedom and perfect opportunity to marry after release. I’m happy to meet you in Huntsville.

For everyone else as we continue to wait on visitation to be reinstated at your Unit, please do not send an absentee affidavit. This document is only valid 30 days once notarized. Law libraries get crispy about having to continuously notarize these Affidavits. Hold the affidavit until we are certain visitation has been reinstated and we can move forward.

Please be aware that although Missouri Affidavits have a longer shelf life that Texas will not accept a Missouri Absentee Affidavit.

Stay safe and try to stay positive. This cannot last forever. For client’s who were scheduled in March and April who were cancelled at TDCJ Units, when visitation is reinstated, contact me and I will split the cost of your replacement marriage licenses.

Please be aware that proxy marriage was banned within TDCJ in 2013. The new Administrative Directive pertaining to inmate marriages within TDCJ requires protocol and procedure to be followed. Meaning there have been no changes to the procedure. TDCJ must approve the marriage. You must be an approved visitor. Marriages must take place in person at the Unit the inmate is located at. There have been no changes to procedure that allow for phone or video call weddings. In fact, threw way calls are strictly prohibited. TDCJ will not change an inmates status to common law married unless this status was claimed going into the system. An inmate cannot be common law married if he isn’t living with you. CLM Affidavits are no longer an option after incarceration.

If your ceremony was not approved, it is not valid per TDCJ’s policies and procedures. TDCJ will not approve any wedding until visitation is reinstated as being on site is a requirement according to their guidelines. If someone is telling you otherwise, they are misleading you. Be aware of con artists. They are out there.

I follow all policy and procedure in every state and can assure you that trying to go around mandates isn’t a good idea or one that will work. We must follow all policies strictly and to the letter.

Regarding ICE ceremonies, there are still no visitation changes that have occurred. We must be on site and in person to get you married. If we cannot get access, we cannot get you married.

Love Is An Action Not An Idea. More Kids, Clients, Chaos & Celebrations…

Tomorrow I’m marrying a couple I had planned to marry at TDCJ Ferguson Unit. Over the next three months I’m marrying several other couples who have finally made it beyond prison walls. Couples who have made their love story last.

Dana contacted me regarding February and her loved one paroling to a Fort Worth transitional home. I’m as excited as she is that after two years we are finally going to get her married.

Michelle sent me a text about finding Mr Right after I had married her to Mr Wrong at Bridgeport Unit.

Amanda is finally free of the man she thought she had married who wasn’t what she had believed her would be after paroling to her home.

Valerie’s divorce from the Ellis Unit inmate who had wooed her and Brandi in North Dakota at the same will be finalized next month. She remains hopeful of finding love. Valerie and Amanda as well as Brandi and Michelle deserved better.

Brandi has entered treatment. For a time she was suicidal over Raul. For a time she was self destructive. I stay in touch with all of my clients and when there is chaos, try to direct them to support or help. For months, Brandi continued to have setback after setback. The only thing she had of value was her truck. She had no license and had to sell it in order to start over.

It’s been a year of setbacks for many of my clients who have continued to wait on TDCJ as well as ICE and County Jails to reinstate visitation.

Meanwhile, my twin grandnieces, Maryssa and Makenna are arguing about the amount of time Makenna spends with her boyfriend when she isn’t working while Makenna tells Maryssa she’s always on the phone with her boyfriend when she isn’t at school since Maryssa isn’t working because her job was shut down a few weeks ago.

My friend, Julie contacted me regarding locating a sliding scale or free counselor. Her marriage is on the rocks. Julie was left unable to walk after back surgery two years ago. Her anger about this caused issues with her husband. His inability to be sympathetic and supportive have done nothing to improve the situation. Tonight she called me while I was on site with clients at Chateau Forest Park. I walked outside to take the call. “I know you’re busy. You’re always busy. But, Jim isn’t interested in counseling. I don’t think he realizes how much of my happiness depends on him. He’s inattentive towards me and overly affectionate in front of me with our daughter. I feel invisible and cast aside. What should I do?”

Issues with Jim have been apparent to Cindy when Julie was watching Makenna’s hamster as we were traveling with the twins to CA, NY and LA over a three week window during the summer and Julie offered to watch Makenna’s pet hamster. I wasn’t with Cindy when she and Makenna dropped Charlie off. Cindy “her husband isn’t friendly. I felt unwelcome and weird there. He was yelling at the dog and we are paying them to watch Charlie?” Me “Julie is a mom and will take good care of Charlie. She won’t take charity and is excited to have something to do.”

I met Jim again at a photoshoot to promote a GoFundMe for Julie to get an MRI. She had no insurance. GoFundMe accounts are hit or miss. I never know what people will or won’t donate to.

A few years ago, my friend, Glenda died in Colorado. Her daughter, Tara contacted me because Glenda had no insurance and there was no way to get her back to Texas. Within days the money to bring Glenda home had been donated.

A few years ago, my clients Burt and Deanna lost baby DeLilah born with Trisomy 18. I baptized her immediately knowing we only had a few hours. Two days later, I conducted her memorial. Three months later, Deanna contacted me to do a GoFundMe for IVF. Like Julie’s campaign, there were very few donations made.

A few months ago, Deanna called me to baptize a baby that is being carried for her and Burt. I married them five years ago and have stayed in close contact as I do with all of my clients since then. Burt and Deanna have a happy ending. Julie and Jim are headed towards a slippery slope of trying to save their marriage. I’m deeply concerned. Julie can’t make Jim go to counseling or even take an interest. She qualified for SS Disability and insurance but it won’t be enough to support her and Aubrey in the event of a divorce. I suggested going to visit her brother. Julie and her mother don’t get along well. Julie, Jim and Aubrey are living with Jim’s parents. This isn’t the first time. Since the surgery, Julie has lost her job and last month, their home. Jim blames Julie and his animosity is obvious. What part of “for better or worse for richer or poorer” didn’t Jim understand?

Maryssa and Makenna aren’t used to sharing their time together with the inconvenience of work, school and boyfriends. Frankly, Cindy and I aren’t too pleased with the twins having boyfriends but we are keeping close tabs on this new development.

Amanda was married by me at Ellis Unit. My family and I had met her prior for a photo shoot with her three boys in Eastland. Because her husnand was paroling, her landlord suddenly decided to evict her causing an undue hardship on her with three children. Amanda made sacrifices but her new husband didn’t appreciate them and the fact that she had three children who were her priorities.

Marriage is a merger. Sometimes things aren’t what they appear to be. Other times we don’t really know a person until the chips are down. I married young. I didn’t know what to expect. I wanted to be a good wife and mother. I did all the right things. But throughout my ten year marriage, my husband found reasons to be angry. Reasons to be violent. Reasons to make me fearful of hearing that garage door close wondering which version of my husband was going to walk into the house? My divorce and child custody battle took 5 years of my life. I never planned to marry again. My custody battle was a war. It left scars.

I was working when Guy walked into my building. I wore a wedding ring because I didn’t want anyone hitting on me. I pretended to be married. It made me feel safer. He found out I wasn’t married and asked me to dinner. I took Cindy with me. I was still fighting my ex for custody. I was working two jobs to pay my bloodsucking attorneys. He offered a solution “marry me. I will hire the best custody attorney and end your war.” He kept his promise. But he never promised to be faithful and he wasn’t. Fort Worth is a small town in certain circles. Laurie would be at the Fort Worth house while I was in Arkansas or traveling. I could smell her perfume. I could tell she had worn my jewelry and put it back in the wrong place. Laurie was a ghost who haunted my 6 year marriage. After receiving a circular from the Fort Worth Club with a photo and the caption “Guy and Wendy McCollum enjoying a candlelit dinner on Valentine’s Day” I filed for divorce. Laurie was in that photo not me. I was humiliated and embarrassed. I moved out with my son. For months he begged me to come back. Promised to change. Finally, I believed him. Nothing changed. Things were worse. On the 5th year of my second marriage, Guy had me sign a joint tax return. Within months a tax lien of over 300k was sent to the house in MY NAME. They split it he owed the other half. I was furious. The affair and now a tax lien? How would I rent an apartment? Buy a car? Get a job? I fought the tax lien and won. I also filed for divorce again.

Because Guy didn’t think the car I owned when I went in the marriage was good enough, he gave my car to his nephew and put me in one of his cars. I didn’t know it wasn’t paid for. When I left him, he told me to make the $558 payments on it. I balked. $558? I was paying for my son to attend a school that helped with developmental issues that cost $750 a month. How in the Hell was I going to afford that car payment? I went to Frank Kent who serviced the McCollum cars and applied for a job. I had never sold cars. But I needed a car, income and insurance and clients. Using my modeling background, I hired a photographer and ran print ads in country clubs. I targeted my clients through photo ads. I was successful and independent when my current husband bought his first car from me. As usual, I was also wearing a wedding ring. I didn’t want anyone hitting on me I was at work to make money and support my son. A year later, Matthew walked back in to trade his SRX. I tried to talk him out of it. He was upside down. “I’m getting a divorce. My wife took my suburban and I hate this car. I want an Escalade.” Ugh. I had a demo on the lot and worked a deal. While sitting in my office, he looked at the smiling photo of my husband beside me at a Betsy Price fundraiser and said “your husband must be really proud of you.” I burst put crying and walked out of my own office. I was a two time loser. Marriage wasn’t my strong suit. I tried hard. I did all of the right things but twice I had failed to make my marriages work. I had never dated. I had always worked. I walked back into my office and told the truth. All of it. Why I wore a wedding ring. Why I was selling cars. Why I kept a happy looking photo on my desk of someone who had an affair throughout our entire marriage then tried to throw me under the bus with the IRS. Weeks later, my sister, son, nieces and grandnieces went on a date with Matthew. Months later, we were married. If he could handle my family, he was worth a shot. We’ve been together 14 years. It wasn’t always easy. He lost everything within a year of marrying. Real estate crashed. He lost his business. He lost his self esteem. He didn’t know how to do anything else. He was unemployed for 3 years. I sold everything on EBay except our house. Texas Twins Treasures became my flipping site. I replaced our expensive furniture with garage sale and thrift shop finds. I reupholstered items and worked two jobs. I swam uphill. At the same time, Cindy’s husband was laid off after 25 years at Albertsons AND her 16 year old daughter, Stephaney was pregnant with twins. Like me, Cindy sold everything too. We found furniture on the fly. We either reupholstered it or flipped it. We circled our wagons and made it through the storm. We didn’t have parents to ask for help. We didn’t have family to ask for help. We had each other, our husbands, our children and grandchildren. Our circle was small. Cindy gave up her job to care for the twins.

In early 2012, Matthew and I finally sold our house. I decided to start a business to give people the wedding I didn’t have. Cindy joined me. We brought the twins to events with us. By the time the twins could walk, our clients hired them as flower girls and ring bearers. When client’s wanted affordable photos, Cindy, my son, my daughter in law or my niece took photos for them. When clients couldn’t afford bouquets or flowers, I decided to start making my own floral designs to loan clients. My goal is and always will be to make my clients day as memorable and special as humanly possible. My family is committed to the same goals.

Not all marriages work out. The tragedy is that we don’t know this ahead of time. If we did, we would spare ourselves the pain and loss of a divorce.

I continue to hope that Jim will realize his wife needs him and understand that Julie isn’t responsible for a botched surgery. You can’t blame a partner for an unexpected health crisis.

I continue to hope that Brandi sticks with her recovery and that Valerie eventually finds someone worthy of being her partner.

Life and love are messy. For those who weather the hard times though the investment of your determination, resilience and faith pays off in having a partner committed to you long after the luster of marriage wears off. Life partners are rare but they are out there.

As a reminder to Federal Clients… visits are currently non contact. Please be aware that we cannot overcome or object to Covid visitation changes. We can’t.

State, ICE and County clients, as we continue to wait for visitation, if you haven’t emailed Gov Abbott regarding how this visitation ban is affecting you and your loved one, please do so. He shut down visitation and he has reinstated nursing home visitation as well as reopened schools while completely skipping over County, TDCJ and ICE.

Certain State facilities outside of Texas have reopened visitation. These facilities are non contact similar to Federal Facilities. Please be aware that as my client, Cindy’s client or anyone on my staffs client, Wardens expect us to be able to control our clients. What this means is that outbursts, drama or unexpected behavior reflects on us. Please don’t be disruptive on site. We have worked months to get you to wedding day. If your ceremony is non contact we must accept the things we can’t change. Thank you.

When People Make More Withdrawals Than Deposits In Your Life, Close The Account…

Last night after watching my niece, Stephaney’s behavior grow more and more erratic, after my sister had so many upsetting phone calls from her daughter behaving like a lunatic and after realizing that the “odds” of the police picking her up on their own were slim, I decided to get an involuntary hold for Stephaney put into effect.

At 7:05PM, the manager of the group home I found for Stephaney called to tell me “she ran when the ambulance came. Where would she go? Can you send me recent photo’s?”

My niece normally likes to walk to a park nearby the group home. I suggested the police search the area. Knowing that if they lost her I could easily lose her for months to the streets AGAIN, I frantically searched FB and Instagram for photos to send to officers searching for her. I have very few. For 17 years my niece has been in and out of our lives. My niece is Bipolar One and often goes off medication. She is also addicted to meth.

At 8:16PM, the police had located her. She was fighting going to the hospital. The officer required a phone interview although he admits “she appears unstable and unreasonable but being crazy doesn’t warrant an involuntary hold. Is she suicidal?” I answer “yes.” For another 27 minutes I wait to see whether or not the police will enforce an involuntary hold. They finally do.

At 2:34AM a psychologist from JPS calls Cindy to ask “are you aware of any drug use?” Of course we are as are they since Stephaney has been admitted 19 previous times at the same hospital for meth induced psychosis. Don’t these people check their own records?

My twin sister and I celebrate our birthday every year by scheduling stress tests, dental cleanings, eye exams, physicals, mammograms and well woman check ups. We go to all the same providers as we have our entire lives. Prior to Cindy’s heart attack and surgery last year on this same date, we didn’t do stress tests but we do now. For families that love an addict, health issues are only one of the many ways an addict effects their lives. I’m (as usual) worried about my mammogram as I have had not one but two surgeries due to lumps. Thankfully, both were benign. My mammogram is the one check up every year that makes me nervous.

“What’s a day in your life like Wendy?” Holy cow if people knew the only predictable thing in my life was my work they would be shocked. The reality is that my niece has caused such chaos within our family that trying to save her over and over again had caused my sisters health to decline and many family members to turn against us. My own son is angry that I didn’t allow her to get kicked out of the group home or lose her job by getting her committed to dry her out and get her back on her meds. “Mom stop trying to save her.” Me “that’s your cousin and I won’t lose her to the streets again. I can’t go through it. I can’t let Cindy or her twins go through it. I can’t not try to stop what I know is coming. She will lose her place at that home and the job I spent two weeks finding for her.” He hangs up. I don’t care. I can’t. I have to at least try. I have to do everything within my power to try.

Thirteen messages are on FB waiting for me. One of them from Amanda. I’ve seen her posts and I know that things aren’t working out. If I hadn’t been dealing with Stephaney off the rails again and my daughter in laws lunatic family refusing to cremate her uncle who shot himself over a week ago refusing to even consider cremation and demanding a funeral along with my many other ridiculous suggestions from family members regarding Stephaney, I would have contacted Amanda sooner.

I finally had a chance to message back and forth with my Ellis Unit bride, Amanda yesterday.

Her husband paroled a few months ago and rather than being thankful for her loyalty during his prison sentence, he moved into her home with three children and thought he would be making the rules.

This husband was in for a surprise. Amanda is a strong and independent woman. Amanda has been doing it all and doing it alone for years. Amanda drew a line in the sand with this newcomer to her home and laid down ground rules. She didn’t need another mouth to feed that talked back. She needed a partner. She sadly accepted the fact that she had married the wrong man.

People behaving one way prior to marriage and another after marriage are “courting” their partner. They are acting in a sense to convince the other party that they are something they aren’t.

Many of my clients believe that the inmate is innocent. Many pay exorbitant attorney fees to fight the charges. Many sacrifice money from their households to pay attorneys because they believe wholeheartedly that the inmate is innocent. No one not even evidence and discovery will convince them otherwise.

Other clients are well aware that the inmate committed the crime which is why they are doing the time. Sure, they hear the cries of innocence from inmates that they love and care for but the majority of my clients knew the inmate prior to incarceration. I recall standing in Coffield Unit with one client prior to her marriage and the seriousness she displayed as she turned and said “Miss Wendy is this SOB gets out and goes in a third time he can go straight to Hell cause I’m out.”

In a prison courtship, the inmate has far more time to write romantic letters and focus on the person on the outside.

The person on the outside has far less time. Why? Because they are working, raising children, running households and doing everything alone on the outside including paying for expensive phone calls and prior to this visitation lockdown, driving long distances to visits.

A prison relationship is remarkably one sided. One person is making far more sacrifices than the other. One person is pulling the wagon alone on the outside. These people are my clients. The inmate is not my client. I don’t speak to or correspond with or even meet the inmate until my client and I are standing inside a prison for the ceremony.

Many of my clients have a lot of weight in their wagon weighing it down. Where does all this weight come from? Well for starters my clients are cheerleaders for the inmates calling them. Then there’s the bills rolling in they pay alone on a single income. Then there’s their children. Then there’s the empty bed they exhaustedly roll into alone at the end of long day to wake up and start all over again. Many of my clients work AND go to school while raising their children. Others take care of their aging mother or father or both in their home while raising their children and working.

The inmate is often upset about being incarcerated or the conditions of incarceration.

The person on the outside didn’t seal the fate of the inmate though. Anger directed at my client’s is misplaced. Inmates angry about their situation often forget that the only support system they have are my clients. I address this fact with my clients on a regular basis.

My clients are in a position of power, custody and control. They are effectively giving up their finances to put money on the books and pay for phone calls. I remind clients of “who is holding the cards” on a regular basis. Why? Because they need to assert themselves with an inmate far more often than you might think. Frequently an inmate assumes they have control when in fact they don’t. This role reversal is common for an inmate who is in the prison wedding planning process. They believe that by marrying they have a position of power even from behind razor wire.

Pom Poms can and do run out of streamers. The person on the outside in the free world has a wagon full of responsibility’s.

Soothing the inmates concerns are only one of the many things they are dealing with. Loving an inmate and committing to marrying them is one Helluva commitment. A person committed to marrying an inmate is giving up any and all of the frivolity a marriage to someone on the outside entails.

I’m often asked when someone realizes that I marry couples inside prisons, “why would they want to marry an inmate? What’s in it for them?” I can’t answer these questions. Only my clients can. A handful of them like Amanda question their decision.

I had shared a “memory” on FB of the wedding that took place at Ramsey Unit last year congratulating my bride regarding her one year anniversary. This isn’t unusual. I frequently share these types of updates.

This particular shared post however resulted in a DM from my client asking for information to file a divorce. “Miss Wendy things ain’t working out with Roy. He’s trying to control my money from prison. I don’t need somebody questioning me about how I spend my money. Can you send me the things I need to get a divorce?” Roy assumed because he was married that he would be making the rules. My client decided to let Roy find someone else to boss around.

I was a little surprised about this couple since my bride had been so happy on her wedding day. But, the actions of ownership from inmates who are finally married to someone on the outside in the free world are often the result of the divorces that occur within the first or second year of marriage. Normally if my clients make it to a third year they are in it for the long haul unless the inmate paroles and assumes to take control of my clients household. My clients have been running and paying for their households all along. They don’t hand over the reins to a newcomer whether this newcomer is their spouse or not. This particular power play is the #1 reason for divorce with the second reasons being post incarceration syndrome or drug use. Domestic violence is rare but also has occurred to 2 of my clients who immediately contacted me for information pertaining to a restraining order and divorce. I immediately got them the information they needed as well as emergency contact information for counseling and shelters for one former client fearful of returning to her own home “until she was certain he was gone.”

Inmates who “assume that they own their spouse” or that they can control their new spouse are in for a wake up call. This assumption is a mistake.

My clients are independent, educated, resourceful and well aware that if an inmate tries to control them inside, the inmate will be by far more controlling on the outside.

Marriage may be a merger but marriage doesn’t mean the person you married is your property. They are a person, a very independent person who is doing it all on the outside.

All of my client’s in all of my states whether their LO is in state, federal, ICE or county custody are independent, intelligent and decisive.

For my Texas clients who choose the option of divorce, here’s a self filing link to download… Texas Divorce Paperwork.

Amanda moved her husband to another building on her property and out of her home. She will most likely divorce him because this inmate “isn’t the person I married.”

I can’t blame her for demanding peace under the roof she pays for. The home she bought entirely on her own is her personal property.

A few of my clients in other states as well as Texas need to consider a prenuptial agreement.

Here is a link for a free download prenup that you can change or edit… Prenuptial Agreement Paperwork.

Why would you need a prenup you might be thinking? First because all of the property you own is your property that’s why.

I will always educate you about what’s in YOUR best interest.

Post Incarceration Syndrome is another scenario many of my clients aren’t prepared for but a few have experienced.

What exactly is Post Incarceration Syndrome? Here’s a link for your review… Post Incarceration Syndrome.

There are a number of clients contacting me regarding marrying who were planning to marry on the “inside” who have notified me that their “LO made parole” or “is being moved to a halfway house” who are contacting me to “marry them on the outside.”

Many of you are unfamiliar with the locations of Residential Reentry Center’s in Texas. Here’s the link for TDCJ locations… TDCJ Residential ReEntry.

I’ve been meeting couples outside of Walls Unit in Huntsville to marry them as well as in parks, downtown areas near halfway houses and other locations for months now.

The festive environment outside of Walls Unit is something that cannot be described without experiencing it firsthand. Families, balloons, cheers and more accompany the releases of inmates who have the support of their families and my client’s anxiously waiting for them to walk out with bags of personal belongings in their hands. It’s a literal block party.

Many of my clients have made their love story last after incarceration. How? They knew the inmate prior to incarceration.

Call me cynical but I don’t believe that a pen pal relationship has the same resilience as a relationship that existed prior to incarceration. Why? Because these couples have an established history. Others may argue that pen pal love stories can and do “stand the test of time.”

However, I’ve never married a couple who met through a pen pal scenario while one person was incarcerated so my view may be biased. My clients tell me how they met. How they knew the person prior to incarceration and often how they are the only person involved in the inmates life. I know far more about my client’s marrying an inmate than traditional bookings. Why? Because the prison planning process takes months. I speak to these clients far more often and intimately than I do a traditional client. They share everything with me from letters they received from an inmate to parole to problems to preparing letters of support and more. If there are problems during the planning process, I hear these problems and give my clients the same advice I would give my own children about “slowing things down. Reevaluating. Asking if this type of relationship is what is in their best interest.” My allegiance is to my clients first, foremost and always.

There are very few pen pal relationships that can stand the test of time although there are such relationships that can somehow survive incarceration.

This week I’m meeting two clients to marry in downtown Fort Worth who were Covid positive a month ago. Both brides work in the healthcare industry.

The reschedules continue in Texas. Whether the inmate is released and you choose to marry at Walls Unit or within close proximity of the halfway house your LO is assigned to or whether you have decided that your love story wasn’t what you expected when you signed up for it, only you can choose your future. Only you can decide what’s best for you and your children.

For my many couples who are living happily ever after walking away from prisons to start a life together, they prove the statistics of prisons marriage wrong. They also continue to thrive on the outside.

My niece called my sister this afternoon while I was on location. She isn’t angry, confrontational, talking in the third person or acting crazy. Why? Because she’s medicated and coming off Meth. The hospital or treatment centers are the only places my niece can safely come down. I know this I’ve had years of experience. I’m sick about it but I’m not going to pretend there’s a safe way for an addict to dry out. There isn’t. An addict outside of a controlled environment will continue using.

My son is upset about my “interference” by getting Stephaney admitted on an involuntary hold but my son is a new father and it’s easy to turn a blind eye. Between his wife’s crazy family and chaos, his work and his new son, my son is overwhelmed.

Our entire family other than Cindy and I have all turned away from Stephaney. They have all given up.

My son brings up his wife’s “Uncle Robert” who shot himself once again to me and then moves to his wife’s cousin, Donald who is back on the bottle again but he’s trying to help.

This entire conversation lights me up (as usual) but I’m on location and need to go outside to voice my dim view about her crazy family wanting an expensive funeral for a guy who spent most of his life in prison then kills himself prior to demanding a full funeral his family cannot afford before going over why helping Donald over and over is no different than trying to help my niece. My sons answer about Donald had me reaching for a Xanax. “He’s had a hard life their entire family is a mess. Donald is the youngest. He has a chance.”

I respond with “your cousin has made mistakes too. Show some empathy especially when talking to Cindy about Stephaney while you consistently try to help your wife’s family.” I meant it.

My daughter in laws entire family is full of “dope heads” this is my sons description not my own. I don’t use this type of language to describe addicts.

If I did I use the type of language my son does to describe addicts I would’ve been referring to my mom with the same term years ago.

My son and his wife have moved so many of her crazy relatives into their home over the years that I can’t keep up with all of their names. I remind my son that having these people around his son is not only stupid but to not even consider allowing them over for a visit. He agrees with me. Even he knows that these unpredictable lunatics aren’t welcome in his home for valid reasons. He no longer allows his wife to let “so and so stay until they can get back on their feet.” What changed? The birth of my grandson.

For seven years of their marriage my daughter in law moved in so many of her relatives that my son was literally supporting every Tom, Dick and Harry that walked in the door.

The arguments I have had with him over this “stray dog situation” went on for years. Stephanie’s family is the biggest train wreck of chaos I have ever seen.

Donald is living in a trailer with Kathy (his sister that lived with my son and his wife along with her Deadbeat boyfriend until they finally moved out owing rent years ago) and thirteen other family members in a trailer.

My son had allowed Donald to stay at his home prior to his sons birth. However, he quickly learned Donald has a drinking problem.

My son is intolerant of addicts as am I. His intolerance is due to my niece and her antics. My intolerance is due to my mom and my niece.

My son was considering “helping Donald.” I advised him to let Donald help himself and not involve himself with that family.

My son is too empathetic with his wife’s crazy family. I’m really working on distancing him from them. Seriously.

The uncle who shot himself is yet another “window” that opened for my daughter in laws ridiculous relatives to contact me to share a GoFundMe Campaign that is so outrageous no one is donating. I didn’t bother asking who set it up. “Aunt Margie” and her argumentative phone call telling me “what her brother wanted” although the guy is dead just irritates and annoyed me.

The campaign outlining “what he wanted was a nice funeral and not to be burned” posted in the middle of a pandemic, right before the holidays and for someone who shot himself with graphic photos isn’t doing well because it’s unrealistic to assume people are going to donate a large sum of money for a suicidal guy that didn’t want to be cremated.

Logic flies right out the window with my daughter in laws crazy family.

My sisters famous quote about entitlement immediately came to mind talking to Stephanie’s “Aunt Margie” who informed me “you are wealthy and have a huge social media following if you would just share the campaign and support it we could reach our goal.”

Cindy’s quote? “GRATITUDE is the DIFFERENCE between APPRECIATION and a SENSE of ENTITLEMENT.”

Quite frankly the main reason I was against my son marrying Stephanie all those years ago WAS his wife’s crazy family.

Eight years later they are happily married, living in a new house with a new baby, driving nice cars and STILL giving handouts to her relatives.

I couldn’t believe my son told me that he HAD donated to that GoFundMe Account for “Uncle Robert.” Seriously. I couldn’t.

My son has a family to think about and his wife’s family will suck every nickel they can out of whoever they can get it from.

I told him “I’ve been checking that campaign and didn’t see your name. I now know why after he explained that the daughter trying to raise money is specifically trying to hit a lick by doing so since she isn’t the one planning burial arrangements. “Aunt Margie” is.

This “news” about my son and his wife “matching” what another relative had donated upset me. After all, they were both exposed to Covid going to visit this guy on his deathbed.

My son sighed and explained “we wrote a check that we matched with Stephanie’s aunt. We didn’t donate to the campaign. We did it so they would have enough money for cremation. They won’t do the cremation though. Mom he was a drug addict who spent most of his life in prison but he was a good guy. I met him many times and gave him a ride or food when he needed it. I donated money because I felt that they would go on with the cremation because they had the money to do so but that family is unrealistic.”

Even my son knows this full funeral is unrealistic.

“Aunt Margie” and her phone calls are never a welcome delight to me, my son or his wife. This lady is only calling me to tell me what her dead brother wants and demanding she gets nearly $10k?

After over a week, the donations on the campaign are less than $400. My son and his wife along with another relative have all donated $1500 for cremation.

A paupers funeral is free. It’s nearly Thanksgiving. People are out of work. Come on. Aunt Margie yelling “my brother specifically did not want to be cremated” is unrealistic and entitled. How can you expect everyone outside of your family to donate to a campaign that is selfish. By the way, suicide is selfish. People who commit suicide literally leave their loved ones holding the bag.

“Uncle Robert’s” family probably didn’t want him to shoot himself either. They certainly weren’t prepared for the financial repercussions “of what HE wanted.”

I have refused to share this campaign due to the graphic photo’s as well as the explanation as to why a paupers funeral or cremation aren’t welcome suggestions. I didn’t share it last week. I won’t this week either. I told my son why.

My son read the same details. He saw the same horrible photos of a man who shot himself in the face for the main photo?

Who posts photos of a man who shot himself in the face on a public campaign. It’s so shocking and disturbing. His family needs to take the money my son, his wife and another relative have donated and cremate him then move on. I cannot unsee those horrific photos. The man is dead and that family is too demanding.

You can’t force someone to donate to a campaign. I can’t believe GoFundMe doesn’t review photos on these campaigns. Good Lord.

Tomorrow I will call Stephaney’s job to tell them she won’t be at work this week.

Tomorrow I will pay her rent at the group home. We have no idea when Stephaney will be released THIS time. She had an interview Monday that I will need to reschedule because she was trying to find a better job but she’s obviously not up to a second interview in her current condition.

Tomorrow I will file marriage licenses from this weekend and go to my annual mammogram screening hoping they don’t find a problem again. I’ve had two lumpectomies in 8 years. Thankfully both were benign.

Tomorrow I will call “Aunt Margie” who contacted me last week demanding that her brother have the funeral he wanted that his family cannot afford and once again tell her I’m not sending $10k to pay for a funeral for a person I’ve never met who decided to kill himself and then left his broke family to try and find a way to “honor his wishes.”

My opinion about this entire scenario AND the family telling me what a guy who shot himself wanted is getting on my last nerve. Aunt Margie messaging then friend requesting me in order to get me to donate this campaign isn’t swaying me one bit. The guy shot himself.

Trying to reason with unreasonable people with the holiday coming up and deciding to go virtual this year after my son and his wife were exposed to Covid going to see her uncle who shot himself in Tyler, I’m shaking my head about another ridiculous fiasco with my daughter in laws family while dealing with my niece and my clients.

At least it won’t be raining Wednesday as I have 5 weddings outdoors. I’m hoping my sister can get some sleep tonight after worrying once again about her daughter, Stephaney while raising Stephaney’s twin daughters, Maryssa and Makenna and trying to remain hopeful that Stephaney will get back on her medication and become a stable and productive person. It’s hard. I’ve had so many setbacks with her. She should’ve been married by now. She should be in her own home. She could have been anything she wanted. Addiction destroys families.

Prison marriage may but be for everyone but for those who make their story last, the commitment, loyalty and determination of their unions continue to surprise their friends and families who didn’t support the decision to marry an inmate…

An Addict Will Celebrate Anything Even If It’s The Grand Opening Of A Pack Of Cigarettes..

I knew my niece would relapse. I expected it. No matter what her mother and I did to rehabilitate her, no matter how much money we spent on rehab or how much time we spent trying to find her in shady and dangerous areas to beg her to get help, we could not change Stephaney’s choices or her addiction.

On December 5, 2018, the police called to tell me they had found my niece, Stephaney living in a box on Camp Bowie. If you missed the blog, here’s the link.. Addiction Destroys Families- Girl In A Box finding my niece out of her mind and trying to convince her to re-enter treatment as I stood on a busy road was an escapade in futility. We lost Stephaney to the streets for another year. No one and I mean no one who doesn’t have an addict for a loved one can understand the depths of despair you fall into.

I once had someone tell me “don’t hate the addict hate the addiction.” How I kept from slapping that guy I have no idea. Addicts have s choice. No one is holding a gun to their heads to destroy everything around them. I hate the drug and the addict. People telling you to forgive someone who consistently hurts you and your family don’t have a clue of what they are asking or expecting. How my mothers mother dealt with her addiction for forty years I have no idea. I can’t do this another twenty years. I can’t do it another year with Stephaney. I’ve lost any ounce of hope I formerly had. I’m now hopeless. Void. Empty.

My sister called me tonight upset about another “crazy phone call from Stephaney.” Why Cindy doesn’t hang up and suffers through these abusive phone calls from a daughter we’ve tried to help the past 17 years I have no idea. I would’ve hung up. I wish Cindy would learn to.

During my first divorce and five year custody battle, one attorney finally gave me advice about phone calls from my ex that I needed to hear. What was it? “Hang up.”

My niece, Stephaney has been hitting the sauce again. I’m guessing for at least a few weeks now based on her behavior. Last week after being screamed at in my own vehicle over telling her to pay her own rent , I strongly suspected that Stephaney was using again.

The violence and anger of someone on meth is difficult to describe unless you’ve experienced it. I wasn’t afraid of my agitated and angry niece yelling at me from the passenger seat. Instead I was angry. Mad as heck I spent money on 9 months of rehab AGAIN. She should have been afraid of me and the 17 years of her antics that have affected our entire family. I have no idea how I didn’t have an accident. I even called Cindy on my Bluetooth so she could hear all of this screaming my niece was doing while riding in my car.

Years ago, in Cindy’s home with yet another escapade of Stephaney out of her mind on drugs, I called her out on it. She grabbed a knife and held it to my throat in front of my shocked sister who called the police. The things we’ve been through with Stephaney are shockingly sad. Things that we can’t forget but she doesn’t remember. How convenient.

Stephaney is and always has been the biggest challenge our family has faced. From punching holes in the walls to stealing credit cards or even our cars and wrecking them to saying horrible things to us, Stephaney has no idea why no one other than Cindy and I bother to help her. Even her own daughters won’t speak to her. They are 16 and sick of her relapses. We all are. Our husbands can’t understand why Cindy and I keep trying to Save Stephaney. Our other children can’t. Her own children can’t.

Tonight while leaving Greenwood Cemetery, a text from Cindy confirmed my suspicions. Stephaney had called Cindy’s house and demanded to speak to her kids. Cindy was busy trying to comfort Makenna who was holding her dying guinea pig. Her twin sister, Maryssa was making dinner. Cindy was alone with the twins when a call from a cell phone that Cindy pays for destroyed her night. Her daughter, Stephaney was on the other end of that cell phone screaming and demanding to talk to her kids. More upsetting than the screaming is the fact that we know when Stephaney is using. We always know. Crazy talk from a crazy person. My niece has been committed over and over because even the police think she’s insane when she’s using.

In 2010 on Super Bowl Sunday, Stephaney overdosed. Cindy was preparing to sign the death certificate when a doctor walked out to announce that “he had saved her.” My sister looked right at him and screamed “why?!” She meant it. We knew she would never change but like other families we tried over and over to change her. We hoped. We prayed. We paid for rehab after rehab after rehab. Inadvertently we enabled Stephaney. We didn’t know what tough love was. We never have. That Dr gave our family another 10 nearly 11 years of dealing with Stephaney while raising the twins. Cindy knew it and I knew it too.

Many of our friends have lost their kids to drugs. They post how broken they are with their son or daughter gone. They mourn the child they knew without knowing how an addict sucks every bit of joy out of your life. Without experiencing the painful merry go round of them being clean then using over and over again.

One of our friends, Sherri lost her son to heroin. She was forced to kick him out of her home after he broke several of her bones. He died of an overdose. She mourns his death everyday. I talked to her about accepting he made his choices. She needs to stop blaming herself. She needs to move on. How many parents and loved ones blame themselves and suffer through physical and verbal abuse are finally relieved that the addict they couldn’t reform is finally gone? There are parents relieved “it’s over.” Sherri isn’t one of them. The guilt she carries has caused her many health issues.

I walk into prisons on a regular basis. Often I’m thinking “would prison have reformed my niece, Stephaney?” She spent 6 months in Jacksboro at the state jail after breaking into Cindy’s house. Stephaney blames Cindy for pressing charges.

Stephaney stole a semi in Oklahoma and spent another 6 months in Cotton County Jail. These “stints” didn’t reform my niece. I saved her from a 20 year sentence in Oklahoma. Looking back, I wish I had let her go to prison.

I wish I had the past 6 years of Stephaney being out of of jail back.

Nineteen involuntary commitments because she was out of her mind on meth over and over and over. Ruined holidays with her upsetting the entire family.

Three years ago, Cindy and I spent two years spent searching the streets for her in Fort Worth. The angst of these emotionally debilitating scenarios with Stephaney literally broke my sisters fragile heart. Addicts don’t care. Over and over again buying “psych friendly clothing” to drop off at the nut house. We hated going to visit her at psych wards as she demanded to “come home.” The first opportunity she had to use again she did. The pain my niece has brought to our family is as big as Texas.

Trying to act normal while wondering if she was dead or alive. Addicts are the most entitled, narcissistic, demanding, self absorbed, irresponsible, reckless, self indulgent idiots in the world. I hate my mother for being a heroin addict. I hate my niece for being a meth addict. I hate what both of them have done to our family. HATE IT.

6 months months ago, Stephaney returned from treatment in Oklahoma. For three months she lived with Cindy. Laying around and refusing to look for work. Then one day acting so irrationally that I called the police to have her committed due to her behavior.

When she was released this time, I advised her that she wouldn’t be returning to Cindy’s house. This created an argument. I held firm.

Stephaney “believes” Cindy owes her a place in her home. Stephaney is misinformed. She had ruined every opportunity in her life that we’ve given her over and over again.

My sister didn’t need anymore drama. The twins didn’t either. I located a group home. The rent was $650. I paid it. I spent a week driving Stephaney to job hunt. I found her a job. The following month, I paid half the rent. The ONLY bill Stephaney had was the rent. Cindy pays her cell phones bill. I buy her bus tickets. The rent is due next Wednesday. Stephaney has been so erratic at her job that they sent her home for four days last week. She’s only saved $300 towards the rent. I picked her up this morning to tell her to find another job. I picked her up this morning to tell her to start being a responsible adult. I was yelled at. “Don’t upset me when I’m going to a job I hate. Don’t upset me when I’m living in a place I hate. I need to be happy and not worried about paying rent.”

When did we become enablers? I have no idea. I wish I knew. Why did we overcompensate as mothers to our children? Our own mother was a heroin addict. A loser. A miserable excuse for a mother. In fact, she sold all four of her children for $50 each to go buy heroin. My grandfather tape recorded this deal. He kept the tape to remind us that no one wanted us. He also sexually abused my sisters and I for years until we finally ran away. Tammy was four years older than Cindy and I. We ran away at 15. We had no one. We lived in a shelter until we were 16. I obtained a hardship drivers license and we saved up and lived in a $200 car after we left the shelter until we could afford an apartment. We never did have the money for electricity at that apartment. But we had a roof over our heads and by 19 years old we moved to an apartment and finally had electricity. Cindy was pregnant with Leigh Ann. She was followed home from IHOP to that first apartment with no electricity. She was raped in the dark. We raised Leigh Ann together. We moved from the first apartment in the middle of the night behind on the rent because we were using it to move away from the apartment Cindy would never feel safe in again. Leigh Ann was born at JPS 8 months later.

Arguing with Stephaney in my car about her only responsibility being to pay the rent, she screamed “you’re lucky and my mom is lucky. You have homes, businesses, cars. You’re lucky.”

Whenever I’m told I’m lucky or I’ve been lucky, I want to slap the shit out of the misinformed idiot telling me I’m lucky. I’ve never been lucky. I’ve always worked my ass off to take care of my sister and Leigh Ann. Cindy was in a hospital bed for two years after an accident. She had two kids, Leigh Ann and Stephaney, no child support and me. She didn’t have help from our shitty family. We never have. We’ve always had each other. We’ve never been lucky but we have always been willing to work, thankful for the opportunity to work, devoted, loyal, determined and steadfast. We had to be.

Stephaney was pregnant at 15 with the twins. After their birth, Stephaney moved from marijuana to meth “to lose weight.” I will never forget having to find an attorney at Harris willing to come to NICU to keep the state from taking the twins. I found someone and knowing we were in a bind, he was expensive. Attorneys are always driven by greed. Cindy and I committed together to “saving the twins and giving them the life we never had.”

There were tough times the first few years. Stephaney would drop by high as a kite demanding to take the twins. We would call the police. We never let her take the twins because she was never sober enough for the responsibility. Protecting the twins has been a 16 year investment.

Stephaney has never paid rent in her life. She’s never paid her own car insurance when she has had cars. She has never paid her own cell phone bills. Cindy always buys a new phone when Stephaney loses the old phone. She pays the phone bill because it’s the only way we can try to find Stephaney when she disappears again.

Last year, Cindy and I flew to NY to film with CBS. Stephaney was clean and doing well. For the first time in the twins lives, we trusted her to watch them for two days. Our flight landed at Newark and a text from Maryssa read “she’s acting funny. I think she’s on something again.” Getting off that plane, Cindy clutched her heart. This was the first sign that my twin had heart issues. We were under contract to film and always honor our obligations. I suggested going to the hospital. Cindy declined and said “if we aren’t on that set, they will sue us. Give me a Xanax.” But the Xanax didn’t take away this pain. For the duration of our commitment in NY, Cindy had chest pain.

Getting on the plane to fly home, I gave Cindy 6 aspirin and a bottle of water. Her heart Dr later told me “the aspirin and water most likely kept her from having a heart attack on that flight.”

We returned to Texas and I informed Stephaney I was putting her back into treatment after she failed a drug test at Cindy’s house. I had a full schedule as usual and a heart doctor appointment for Cindy the following day so I put Stephaney on the bus. Hours later, Stephaney called halfway to treatment. She had gotten off the bus and I had to drive and pick her up to take her to Grove, Oklahoma myself. Cindy insisted on going with me. I wish she hadn’t. Finding Stephaney singing and dancing at a truck stop wasn’t what either of us wanted to see. We’ve seen it before. She’s either happy or angry.

It was an awful drive to the facility. Happy went to angry pretty quick. I didn’t care. I couldn’t get to Grove, Oklahoma soon enough. Cindy’s chest pain continued.

The following day I took Cindy to the ER. She was having a heart attack. She had 3 blocked arteries. She was transported while I picked up the twins from school to Harris Heart Center.

A year ago, I almost lost my sister. A year ago saving Stephaney finally made me realize that she didn’t want to be saved.

A year ago, my attitude changed. Stephaney would have to support herself and be a member of society. She would have to work. She would have to be responsible. She would have to grow up. None of these things happened. Instead, after picking her up following 9 months of treatment, Stephaney moved into Cindy’s home until her behavior became so erratic that I had no choice other than to call a 51/50 on her to get her out of Cindy’s house.

Stephaney will tell you that the 19 times she’s been involuntarily committed were everyone’s fault but her own. JPS told us every time they kept her “she’s positive for meth.”

Stephaney never admits to drug use. Even when see fails a drug test, Stephaney insists “it’s wrong.”

We know when she’s using. She thinks we don’t. Everyone knows. Her jobs, her friends, her family. Addicts think they are sneaky and no one’s the wiser. Sneaky and stupid go hand in hand. I’m so sick of Stephaney’s antics.

Tonight’s phone calls forced Cindy to take her heart pill, nitroglycerin. Tonight’s phone calls left Makenna mourning a guinea pig slowly dying. My worry about Cindy continues.

Months ago, my husband announced that Stephaney isn’t allowed into our home. This hurt me. She was doing well at the time. “Your niece ruins every holiday or family get together. I’m sick of watching you and Cindy on the merry go round of Saving Stephaney. She’s clean and normal. She’s high and agitated jumping in front of my car screaming she’s God and embarrassing us when a neighbor stops me to tell me that they saw Stephaney bathing in the fountain at the park. I just can’t take it anymore. I want normality and Stephaney ruins every shred of predictability there is. She will relapse and when she does, I don’t want her in our house. I’m uncomfortable around her. I don’t like screaming and yelling under my roof. I’m sorry but this decision is firm. I want a normal holiday.”

Of course I was hurt by this but he’s right. Every single holiday is ruined by my niece. Her sister, Leigh Ann can barely speak civilly to her. Stephaney’s stolen from Leigh Ann over and over or called her names. Stephaney has simply done too much.

My son tried to help by offering to let her stay with him. Stephaney started calling my daughter in law names and knocking holes in their walls.

Stephaney is unpredictable. Stephaney on meth is angry, confrontational and unpredictable.

I can’t do anything more to change the shape of things to come. I must pull back and stop trying to run to the rescue. I hate to admit that I’ve finally realized that my help is actually enabling my niece.

I dropped her off this morning after driving through McDonalds to buy her a coffee with her screaming her order from my passenger seat at the cashier. Being around someone on meth is and can be dangerous to others. You cannot predict what they will do or how they will behave. I was relieved to drop her off at work but concerned about her getting fired if she didn’t stop being hateful and rude.

Based on this evenings string of phone calls to Cindy’s house, my niece, Stephaney is back on the sauce and off the rails. I’m heartbroken but I must harden my heart and focus on my sister, my husband, my son, my twin Grandnieces, Maddy and Leigh Ann as well as my clients. It’s difficult to stop worrying about Stephaney and her choices but I no longer have a choice..

The Less You Respond To Negativity, The More Peaceful Your Life Becomes..

For eight months now the stress of not being able to visit a TDCJ inmate continues. As of yet and regardless of the “chatter” AKA gossip, TDCJ is not releasing thousands of inmates due to the number of inmates transferring from county jails into state prisons.

There are so many rumors out there giving false hope to people who need hope the most that I’m writing this blog while in a truck stop parking lot to stop the rumor mill.

Last weeks conference call didn’t even touch on in person visitation. Instead the focus was on Covid cases. As of yet, we still have no official word on in person visitation in TDCJ facilities.

Meanwhile and since my other clients follow this site, Fort Worth FMC as well as other Federal Facilities has reinstated visitation with preregistration requirements. Please be aware of these requirements.

Lompoc clients, there is a large number of inmates with projected release dates. I will not be returning to Lompoc until February or March of 2021.

Normally, I’m in California several times a year but due to client rescheduled event dates of Texas Twins Event’s and The Pawning Planners as well as Federal Clients, traveling to California at this time is improbable if not impossible.

2 of the three clients I was scheduled to marry this week have tested positive for Covid. Please be aware that this virus is still out there.

My daughter in law, Stephanie was at a hospital in Tyler last weekend and apparently exposed to Covid while visiting her uncle who was on life support due to a self inflicted gunshot.

The issues of this tragic event have caused great anxiety to my daughter in law as well as the possibility of being Covid positive after spending two days at the hospital.

In fact, an argument regarding a GoFundMe account to raise money for a funeral rather than a cremation started an argument between my daughter in law and I at a birthday lunch this week.

My daughter in law was arguing about what her uncle wanted. I was arguing about him wanting a $10-12k funeral because “he didn’t want to be cremated.”

I advised my daughter in law that we are in a pandemic with Christmas right around the corner and people aren’t in a position to fund a full fledged funeral for someone who chose to shoot himself. I then reiterated that my daughter in laws focus needs to be on her son and her husband as well as her job and not at the demands of someone expecting their surviving family to fund an expensive funeral. I’m a realist.

Today while on messenger, “aunt Margie” my daughter in laws aunt and sister to Robert (who shot himself but wanted an elaborate funeral) sent me a message and FB hid it since we weren’t connected.

The message was somewhat cryptic and had a sense of urgency which led me to suspect it was from one of my clients planning to marry an inmate so I responded. “Aunt Margie” wanted me to share the GoFundMe for $10k in funeral expenses for her brother. I suggested donating the body to science. Then I suggested a paupers funeral. I then suggested the Mayo Clinic. Margie is determined to have a “real funeral as her brother wanted. He specifically didn’t want cremation.”

For the record, I’m sick and tired of hearing what this guy wanted. He had no life insurance and even if he had, most insurance companies have a clause regarding suicide. Everyone in his family wants to honor his wishes but none of them have the funding to do so. Quite frankly, this guy and what he wanted when compared to what his family can afford aren’t going to happen but I gave up trying to convince his sister, Aunt Margie.

Moving on with her though, she needed help with TDCJ forms as she wants her other son to attend the funeral that their family can’t afford. I know. It’s ridiculous. Seriously.

Apparently, Margies son is at Cole Unit in Bonham, Texas. She wanted me to send her the forms to request a Reprieve For Family Emergency.

Please be aware that due to Covid, the odds of TDCJ granting a reprieve are slim. Why? Because releasing an inmate to attend a funeral can expose the inmate to Covid. I then sent her a parole packet and letters of support template. She asked me about the forms for a Hardship Transfer which I also sent. Hardship Transfers are tricky. Margie lives 90 minutes from Cole Unit.

TDCJ doesn’t allow you to choose the transfer unit based on convenience to you. But convincing Margie of the improbable scenario of a hardship transfer to Bridgeport “because it’s closer to her than Cole Unit” had ME reaching for my Xanax while arriving on location at Belltower Chapel. This lady just doesn’t listen to reason. I’ve never talked to a brick wall before but now I at least have something to compare the experience with.

Have you ever tried to reason with someone unreasonable? While they were sitting around and you were on a timeline and on the clock with clients? If you want to REALLY try my patience, the best time to do so is when I’m busy. Margie was literally hitting all of my buttons, not listening and making demands most likely because I haven’t donated to this fund. Why? Because it’s ridiculous to expect everyone else to pay for an expensive funeral. My own husband doesn’t want me to pay for a funeral and waste money. I plan to be cremated myself. Why burden your surviving family with an expensive funeral? If cremation is good enough for my own family why isn’t is good enough for “Aunt Margies brother?!”

The argument over whether TDCJ will allow her other son to attend a funeral that the funding isn’t in place for raged on.

Bridgeport is closer to Margie, there is no guarantee that TDCJ will choose a Unit closer simply because it is closer. She argued about this. “Obviously they are going to realize that Bridgeport is closer.”

Folks, prisons aren’t in the business of making things more convenient for loved ones as we are all aware of except “Aunt Margie.”

Further, Bridgeport while operating under TDCJ is one of the very few privately owned Units in Texas. Because of this fact, Bridgeport has different guidelines and does not require offer Unit Photos which is why you never see Unit Photos from Bridgeport unless they are from the parking lot and non authorized.

I then suggested a paupers funeral to Aunt Margie AGAIN or donating the body to science and was told “I’m not cremating my brother. That’s not what he wanted.”

Folks, I’m going to be blatantly honest about the fact that no one expects death. No one expects suicide. Texas provides paupers funerals for indigent deaths that occur in this state.

Another option is cremation. Even if the deceased owns property, the expense of preparing a body along with the casket and other factors can easily run $5-7k.

In the “suicide situation” that presented itself upon my daughter in law the day she and my son were returning from the Colorado Wedding, I found it more than a little selfish that “uncle Robert was adamant about not wanting to be cremated.”

For reasons I don’t understand, trying to explain to my daughter in law that this wasn’t her problem resulted in an argument. My son however saw my point.

I spent the rest of my birthday making food deliveries for our pantry recipients and wondering why on earth my daughter in law thought or expected that strangers would miraculously donate enough money to cover a costly funeral?

Texas has what’s called a Body Disposition Affidavit. If you aren’t married or the next of kin, the decision of what to do with your body can be required with a Body Disposition Affidavit. My father didn’t have one for Gretta. Because he didn’t, Gretta’s sister, Kathy contacted Greenwood and stopped my father from planning and paying for the funeral. For thirty days, Greenwood waited on Kathy to take over funeral planning. For thirty days, the bill to store Gretta grew. After 30 days her body had deteriorated to such an extent that it took me three hours to prepare her for an open casket ceremony. Gretta owned a plot at Greenwood. The cost to prepare, store and bury her was $12k.

Whatever your feelings are regarding death and expenses, if your survivors cannot afford to carry out your wishes, the options left to them are somewhat limited. After all, your family members have bills to pay and families to support.

Today my son called me to tell me about Stephanie and Covid. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that she was exposed going to visit this uncle who had shot himself. I saw photos on the GoFundMe Campaign of several relatives not wearing masks. In fact, yesterday I asked my son “why wasn’t anyone wearing a mask?” Whatever your feelings on masks are, being with a group of people is and can be an event that exposes you to this virus.

This evening while traveling back from a wedding elopement ceremony in Dallas, Cindy called me about one of our former clients, Debbie’s daughter, Hannah calling her about moving in. Hannah is pregnant, 21 and living at home with her mother. Things aren’t going well but moving in with Cindy isn’t the solution to this problem. Cindy is raising her twin granddaughters. For years when her adult daughters, Leigh Ann and Stephaney were in school, their friends would move in with Cindy over and over again. In fact, my sons friend, Jeremy lived with us off and on for a few years. His mom was an alcoholic. But, Cindy and I are older and have commitments that prevent us from housing someone because they’ve been kicked out of the house. Our pantry provides food and clothing but not shelter. We can refer you to a shelter and assistance but we cannot move you into our homes. I’m sorry but we have husbands that don’t even have children of their own and want privacy. In fact they are entitled to some degree of privacy because being married to us is a literal circus of our adult children and grandchildren already. I’m being honest and transparent about this topic.

Hannah balked at my suggestion for family counseling with her mom but Hannah is expecting a child and needs to understand that living with her mother requires attempting to get along with her mother. I have no idea if there’s a relationship at all with Hannah’s mother but I know this, I’ve met Hannah’s mother and she opened her house to her. Hannah needs to follow her moms rules and attempt to get along.

Many of you are already aware that Tiger King is incarcerated at Fort Worth FMC. It’s a media circus there. If you are scheduled for a ceremony at FMC, PLEASE give yourself at least an hour to wade through the traffic. We must arrive on time.

Many of you are contacting me because your LO has made parole. Ceremonies outside of Walls Unit are a celebration of freedom and perfect opportunity to marry after release. I’m happy to meet you in Huntsville.

For everyone else as we continue to wait on visitation to be reinstated at your Unit, please do not send an absentee affidavit. This document is only valid 30 days once notarized. Law libraries get crispy about having to continuously notarize these Affidavits. Hold the affidavit until we are certain visitation has been reinstated and we can move forward.

Please be aware that although Missouri Affidavits have a longer shelf life that Texas will not accept a Missouri Absentee Affidavit.

Stay safe and try to stay positive. This cannot last forever. For client’s who were scheduled in March and April who were cancelled at TDCJ Units, when visitation is reinstated, contact me and I will split the cost of your replacement marriage licenses.

Please be aware that proxy marriage was banned within TDCJ in 2013. The new Administrative Directive pertaining to inmate marriages within TDCJ requires protocol and procedure to be followed. Meaning there have been no changes to the procedure. TDCJ must approve the marriage. You must be an approved visitor. Marriages must take place in person at the Unit the inmate is located at.

There have been no changes to procedure that allow for phone or video call weddings. In fact, THREE way calls are strictly prohibited.

TDCJ will not change an inmates status to common law married unless this status was claimed going into the system. Undoing a CLM is hit and miss within TDCJ.

An inmate cannot be common law married if he isn’t living with you. CLM Affidavits are no longer an option after incarceration.

If your ceremony was not approved, it is not valid per TDCJ’s policies and procedures.

TDCJ will not approve any wedding until visitation is reinstated as being on site is a requirement according to their guidelines.

If someone is telling you otherwise, they are misleading you. Be aware of con artists. They are out there.

I follow all policy and procedure in every state and can assure you that trying to go around mandates isn’t a good idea or one that will work. We must follow all policies strictly and to the letter.

Regarding ICE ceremonies, there are still no visitation changes that have occurred. We must be on site and in person to get you married. If we cannot get access, we cannot get you married.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen Covey

I’m always concerned when on of my clients sends me a text or DM that reads “there’s something I need to talk to you about. Are you busy?”

I always drop everything to immediately respond to messages like this because I can feel their sense of urgency.

I’m everyone’s mom. I’m always available to my clients seven days a week from 8AM-9PM.

Other vendors who follow me are often surprised that my role by far surpasses planning and officiating a ceremony.

My role expands and extends to that of a friend, counselor, problem solver and patient listener.

Karen had been concerned about what to do after realizing her fiancée was involved with K2. This problem isn’t isolated to Karen. This problem is spreading through prisons. I listened to her concerns and waited for her to express her wide range of emotions and disappointment before responding.

First, I needed to help her understand her own needs. Second, I needed her to establish boundaries. Third, I needed her to reinforce these boundaries. It’s not easy dealing with an addict. Fourth, addicts are expert manipulators and Karen would need to stop sending money. It wouldn’t be easy for her to do this. Why? Because she’s been sending money for a long time. She’s been doing what she can to support an inmate that she plans to marry.

Setting boundaries is often difficult to do. Dealbreakers always are. You need to know what’s “too much” for you. You need to find that line and establish it. I knew the inmate would be angry regarding Karen taking a stand. But my client is my focus not the inmate. I always put my clients needs and issues as my primary concerns. They need reinforcement. They need a sounding board. An unbiased listener. They need me.

The words to an Elvis Presley song immediately came to mind regarding inmates not getting what they wanted and getting upset about it.

You know I’ll be your slave if you ask me to.
But if you don’t behave
I’ll walk right out on you. If you want my love then take my advice and treat me nice.”

We had a lengthy conversation. The following day after much grief, Karen sent me a message that she felt better about her decision although it was a difficult choice. Saying no always is. The person you are saying no to will react in a number of different ways. First, they will often use guilt. Second, they will often use anger. Hold your ground.

I’ve also had numerous clients in a number of states contacting me regarding debt collector calls. When the economy tanks, the collectors come out. Zombie debt and third party lawsuits are real. Respond to collection letters. Call me if you need help writing a verification or validation letter. Respond to a lawsuit by filing an answer. Your answer should be General Denial. Most of these lawsuits are third party debt buyers. They buy the debt then pursue the debt. The debt is often time barred from a lawsuit. To alter this, the collector establishes a new account on your credit report. This effectively re ages a previously time barred debt. I need all of you ESPECIALLY if you have ever had a defaulted debt to be diligent. Check your credit reports. Fight erroneous entries. Freeze your credit. If you don’t know how to respond to a debt lawsuit, contact me but don’t hide from a debt collector. They will find you. Erroneous debt and unscrupulous debt collectors have been around for many years. They use threats and coercion to attempt to bully you into making a payment or an agreement. These will reopen and re age the original debt. Don’t fold. Contact me.

Yet another client contacted me regarding a death row inmate and wanted to know “what’s going to happen?” First, I know you haven’t done this before. Stay calm. Nothing scary is going to happen. I will be by your side at all times inside the Unit. I will walk you through exactly what’s going to happen as well as exactly what you can or cannot do. I will prepare you. We are in this together and you will never be separated from me inside a Unit unless you need to use the restroom.

We have twenty minutes. I encourage you to write your own vows to extend our timeline. Why? My ceremony takes 11-13 minutes. Once finished we are hustled out. I encourage you to write poetry, scripture, vows and even song lyrics to “buy” an additional few minutes inside. Why? We’ve spent months getting to wedding day and I want you to savor every second.

Song lyrics can often be changed or altered easily. Badfingers Day After Day works well. “I remember finding out about you. Every day, my mind is all around you. Looking out from my lonely room, day after day. Bring it home, baby, make it soon
I give my love to you.”

Or, Al Green’s Let’s Stay Together works well too. “Let me say that since, baby, since we’ve been together. Loving you forever is what I need. Let me, be the one you come running to. I’ll never be untrue.”

There are so many song lyrics that perfectly fit an expression of love that can be easily incorporated into a wedding ceremony that the list is endless.

Tuesday morning I had a call regarding “music at the wedding ceremony.” We cannot have music at any wedding ceremony within a detention facility. Whether it’s state, federal, ICE or county. This request comes up rather frequently. Once client at Estes was so determined to have music that she asked me to sing. I’m not a hip hop singer but I did my best. My best brought riotous laughter from the inmate and the correctional officers but if it’s important to you I will try to accommodate your request. Remember though that I’m not Beyoncé.

Bridget sent me a message regarding finding an RV park near Palestine. I immediately thought of my other client, Larissa who manages an RV park and sent her a message to link Bridget and Larissa. Larissa also told me her grandmother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, her father had suffered a heart attack and her beloved aunt whom I had met on wedding day in Beaumont was struggling with blood sugar issues during this pandemic. I was deeply saddened and concerned. Everyone is struggling through this unprecedented and troubling virus. It’s changed the way we live. It’s robbed us of structure, predictability and peace.

Many of my clients are so anxious about this “new normal” that I’ve been asked about coping strategies. Because many of my blog followers might have missed my post on FB, I’m copying and pasting tips for dealing with stress and anxiety during this pandemic below.

From helplessness to hopelessness we are going through something entirely new and foreign to us. This adjustment is a learning curve. Everything changed for us in a short window. Things we took for granted were taken away. Finding peace in a time of crisis can be challenging.

Some individuals are being heavily impacted by physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, shortness of breath, sweating, trouble sleeping, and changes in appetite. Stress affects everyone differently.

Others may find cognitive symptoms to be a greater stressor resulting in difficulties recalling memories, problems with concentration, inability to control negative thoughts, ruminating on the same thoughts, and having trouble seeing any positives.

These anxiety symptoms are the body and mind’s natural response to rapid adaptations in your familial, work, financial, and emotional environments. It is likely that they may get better with time as you adjust to your “new normal,” but you can immediately use the strategies below to help manage anxiety and other difficult feelings.

1. Separate out worries into productive and unproductive actions.

Worries can be turned into productive preparations and cautionary behaviors like taking vitamins, stocking up on essentials and food, refilling medications, and so on. It is equally important to prepare mentally. You can stock up on your favorite reading materials and calming scents like lavender; make time to socialize through phone, video calls, online gaming; and in your downtime engage in a hobby or interest you enjoy.

When you find yourself worrying about something you have no control over and can’t convert into a positive preparation, it is helpful to “shelve” that thought, or let it go completely.

2. Make a visual list of coping skills and keep it readily accessible.

In times like these, you might find your typical ways of coping don’t cut it, and you need even more tools and strategies to turn to. You may also find your mind is overwhelmed with information and new adjustments, so you forget the things that used to come more naturally to you.

First, make a list of the things you do already and have done to manage stress and remain calm. Here are some ideas to get you started: therapy, talking to a friend, exercise, prayer, reading, meditation, yoga, creative activities, positive self-talk, cooking, gardening, journaling, deep breathing, listening to music, household projects, spring cleaning, meditation, puzzles/games, playing with your pets and kids, and doing something nice for someone else.

3. Challenge negative thoughts.

Chronic stress is often the result of negative thought patterns. Individuals who focus on and replay negative thoughts find the experience to be unpleasant, counterproductive, and in some cases resulting in depression. Challenging irrational, negative thoughts can allow you to change them by learning how to examine the validity of the negative thoughts and learn how to interpret situations using a different perspective.

4. Limit your exposure to anxiety-producing news and information.

It is important to stay up to date with new information but it is just as important to make a deliberate choice to read or watch the news. Refreshing your social media feeds throughout the day, or keeping the news on in the background, is overwhelming your senses and your ability to pay attention to other needs for yourself and your family.

Trust that you can get what you need in a few structured and limited times when you check your news sources. It is especially important to limit/monitor the way your children are receiving news about the virus. Stick to reliable sources and perhaps block people temporarily on social media if their reactions are increasing your negativity or anxiety.

5. Practice a daily mindful activity.

The bulk of the fear attached to anxiety comes from the anticipation of a future threat. Many people will catastrophize what is coming and have trouble separating assumptions from facts. Practicing a daily mindful activity places a focus on the now and not the future. This is done by separating feelings from judgments and focusing on things that are true and are occurring now, not what might happen.

Pick one thing you do daily and let your senses attend to that one thing — like brushing your teeth or making your morning coffee. When your mind wanders off, bring it back gently to your activity. A daily meditation practice can also help you be more mindful. Tara Brach and Christopher Germer have wonderful free meditations available online.

There are also many apps to help you start or build upon an existing practice (Headspace, Insight Timer, Buddhify, Calm). Additionally, you can hear my guided meditations for free on Spotify and Google Play (Unwind: Guided Relaxation, by Amy Vigliotti).

6. Talk about it, write about it, let it out.

There is a common misconception that talking about anxiety makes it worse because it encourages people to think about what makes them anxious. The reality, however, is that people who experience anxiety experience it whether they talk about it or not. Research has found that expressing anxious thoughts can help individuals feel as if they are getting those negative thoughts “out of their system” and/or diminish the intensity of their feelings. You can express your thoughts to trusted friends/family, keep a journal, or write them on notes to then be discarded later.

7. Pay attention to positive events.

Picture yourself walking outside on a day where there is a mix of clouds and blue sky. In times of unusual stress, we all have a habit of focusing on the negative—the “clouds”—and missing the blue sky. If we ignore the blue sky, we make things even harder on ourselves.

You want to balance your consumption of “negative” news by reading and attending to positive events. There are always positive things to focus on even in times of great duress. We see fitness instructors giving online free workouts; neighbors lending a hand to elderly individuals; health care workers prioritizing the care of others in a selfless manner. And there are little things we can be grateful for as well: a hot shower, our morning coffee, a smile or text from a friend. If you want to take it a step further, you can be a positive change in your community. Doing something nice for someone else makes us feel good too.

We are all going through something we have never been through before. This pandemic and the uncertainty caused by it are stressful. Whether you are an essential worker or a parent now homeschooling and working, your life has changed to a “new normal.” This new normal is temporary but it is an adjustment. Take time to focus on yourself during this crisis.

Adjusting to and accepting change is different and often difficult for everyone. What works for one person might not work for another. Find a strategy that suits your individual needs. From a long walk to listening to music to visiting a friend to writing a letter to your loved one to buying a candle, what helps you relax is what will work best for you.

Because I haven’t been taking deposits for the past two months and effectively not formally booking new clients, I’ve made adjustments to assist new inquiries who may have had their marriage license expire trying to marry. Deduct $40 from the cost of your second marriage license to help you with expenses. I’m not taking deposits because I believe my clients need to keep their money during these uncertain times. You are single income households. Many of you are single parents. I want you to take care of yourselves as we wait out the reinstatement of visitation.

Booked clients are being mailed checks for 1/2 of the replacement cost of their marriage licenses for two months now. I want everyone to wait to buy that second license until we are sure that we can use it. Be patient as this too shall pass. I will get you married.

As always I’m going to remind everyone not to panic. If you need a friendly ear I’m always available and want you to know that you are not alone. We are all in this together…

Loyalty, Love, And Laying It All On The Table. Marriage, Mergers & Messes…

It’s not uncommon for me to get a “problem call” on wedding day. In fact, it’s common and a regular occurrence.

For two months now these “problem calls” have been rolling in. They aren’t coming from my clients in numerous states marrying an inmate either.

Instead they are coming from my “traditional clients.” Standard bookings from Texas Twins Events, The Pawning Planners, or a venue I’m on staff at.

My traditional clients are and can be my “trickier group.” Why? Because during this pandemic the changes they’ve been forced to make in order to get married have left them anxious and occasionally event angry. “They had a plan. They had a guest list.”

They had thought of everything and what they missed I had thought of for them.

Neither my clients, my staff or myself could ever have “planned for Covid-19.”

What was today’s problem? My bride decided that she didn’t want her mother in law to be walked down the aisle by the groom aka her son.

I was advised by the bride to advise the mother of the groom of her “change in plans.”

I had questions as to why what had been rehearsed was now being changed at the 11th hour?

Apparently, last night at the rehearsal dinner held at a restaurant that wouldn’t allow more than 25 guests at a time, an argument broke out about who could go in. This is a rather new problem since restaurants in Fort Worth have reopened. For a month and a half the rehearsal dinner was swapped for a backyard barbecue or Uber eats.

I’m “new” to these pandemic changes myself and didn’t attend the rehearsal dinner although I was invited because I had another commitment and because I haven’t eaten in a restaurant for over two months now. Like many others, I’m cautious about being out in public. I need to stay healthy for my clients. I cannot risk getting this virus by being with large groups of people. Since there was a “sideways shuffle” regarding who could get in the restaurant and who couldn’t, I’m THANKFUL I took a pass.

My bride was adamant regarding “putting her mother in law in her place because it’s my wedding.” I hear this all of the time spoken by people who take possession of the frivolity but take a pass on the expenses.

Sadly, the mother of the groom was the person who hired me AND effectively my actual client.

This type of “who is the boss” is so common with my traditional clients that after ten years of being the “go between” I should be accustomed to “awkward situations” but I’m not.

Sitting in my Sahara at Tom Thumb to get emergency flowers to create Bouteniers for the florist who had already sent me a text that she was “short” on flowers for the wedding party, I took a deep breath and called the mother of the groom to broach this change to the procession. Ugh.

My client answered on the second ring. “I was just about to call you. She’s impossible! The florist is also short on bouteniers for the parents of the couple can you take care of that?”

I was in the process of “taking care of it.” The number of times I’ve had to cover another vendor who didn’t cover their own obligations making their job mine is always a thorn in my side.

If you are a florist get it together and go over your order. Stop expecting everyone else especially me to CYA (cover YOUR ass) on wedding day.

I waited and listened to my client relive the entire rehearsal dinner fiasco. “I’m the mother of the groom. I’m writing the checks and even offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner and I’m not invited? What the hell is wrong with her? She’s writing checks her mouth can’t cover. This wedding is going to be stressful for me you know my mother is in the hospital. Wendy what can we do to soothe these ruffled feathers? I’m not in the habit of handing my credit card to someone and then being told I can’t attend a dinner to celebrate my son.”

Whoo the treacherous landscape of the life event business. Clients, chaos and a literal circus without the midway or the corn dogs.

Someone is always feeling slighted. Someone else is acting arrogant. Still someone else is feeling taken advantage of.

I often hear Cindy humming her big top theme music whether she’s sitting next to me or not.

My twin sisters famous quote “close the tent this circus has too many clowns” rang in my ears with the circus music fading away in the background. No rides. No corn dogs but plenty of suspense.

I checked my Corum watch to view the “countdown.” Two hours and counting. Damnit. The bride would be in hair and makeup. The groom would be killing time taking calls. Giving directions to the venue. Probably having a quick drink with the groomsmen.

I finally respond and explain why I called to my client aka the mother of the groom offended by the consistent arrogant behavior of the bride throughout the planning process.

“The bride wants to change the procession for the wedding. She’s decided that she wants you seated prior to the procession. I’m really sorry as you know to have to relate this rather odd request and don’t know how you wish for me to relay your response or what can be done to meet in the middle. Because you are my actual client though I’m going to suggest speaking to your son who is most likely unaware of this possible change of plans.”

I often calculate or guess who might be the “best candidate” for a buffer to work with in times of conflict.

On the one hand I have a mother slighted. On the other hand I have a bride acting like a Bridezilla. In the middle I have a groom trying to make his mother and his bride happy.

The groom holds a unique position of being able to put out this fire. However, it will be I who “broach this subject” rather than his mother in order to remove the possibility of chili stirring outside of the immediate problem.

I’m certain the groom has heard plenty already from all sides regarding that rehearsal dinner gone wrong.

I’ve encountered Groomzillas before but I’m lucky this morning. This groom is mild mannered and knows exactly what he’s dealing with.

His parents are divorced making his position even more stressful. His mother and father don’t want to be anywhere near each other.

The father of the groom isn’t paying for anything the mother of the groom is. She holds a position of power, custody and control and she knows it. She’s graceful about it but she’s writing the checks and anyone unaware of this fact is quickly enlightened by my client. She’s self assured. No nonsense. She wants everything perfect and she’s happy to pay for it.

She also offers to call her son for me but I quickly brush off the idea. I need her focused on relaxing and getting ready. I also don’t want an argument between the mother and son hours before a wedding. I will handle this myself with kid gloves.

“I will call your son in just a few minutes. I’m at Tom Thumb covering the florist so give me a few minutes. You go focus on getting beautiful and I will see you at the venue.”

I needed those minutes. Going into a wedding day knowing the possibility of a blow up exists isn’t for the faint hearted.

I’m reminded of the father of the bride in California who was offended about the pizza party rehearsal dinner. He wasn’t paying for anything but he sure was complaining about everything. “This is a cheap out on so and so’s part. It’s embarrassing. Pizza and no alcohol either. Do something. Tell them how unhappy I am about this.”

Umm hmm. First I was going to give this father of the bride a few options since he was so embarrassed. Stay tuned ya all because what he was expecting me to do and what I did were wholly and entirely surprising.

“I understand your frustration. As a planner and officiant, I often find myself in the middle of conflict. I’ve got a great idea though and it’s for you to offer to cover the cost of the rehearsal dinner which would also give you the opportunity to change the location. Where would you like to have the dinner? I will advise the wedding party of the location change.”

Tennis. It’s always shocking when you hit that ball right back into someone else’s court.

“I don’t have any plans to cover the cost of the rehearsal dinner. That’s the grooms families responsibility not mine.”

Sure you don’t. What you want is to complain and shame the other family who are on a limited budget and try to force them to pay for something they can’t afford. Sit down and shut up. The rehearsal dinner went on at the pizza parlor and everyone except the father of the bride had a great time. The salad bar was amazing too.

Yet another father of the bride in Dallas managed to get under my skin a few years ago. That event was crazy too. The mother and father were divorced. There was also a stepmother and godmother. Everyone wanted their “own wedding without so and so involved.” Four weddings for one couple? On a timeline and frustrated about this outrageous demand, I came up with the solution to limit this chaotic craziness on location to the father. “You want me to perform the same ceremony four times? Aren’t you and the stepmother married? That would be three ceremonies. First for the mother. Second for you and your wife. Third for the godmother. My fee for three ceremonies is $$$.

Tennis. It’s a game I play nearly everyday although not on a court. My game is with people.

“I wasn’t planning to pay you for three ceremonies. I was planning to pay you for one. I just don’t want to be around my idiotic ex wife or her former best friend aka the godmother.”

The number of times people tell me what they want but aren’t willing to pay for would astound you. It always astounds me.

“I’ve got a solution. If your wife is willing to pay for one ceremony and you are willing to pay for another, I will ask the godmother how important a third ceremony is to her. Your guests weren’t planning to sit through three ceremonies. It’s August and it’s hot. Let’s consider their needs.”

The godmother and mother agreed to “share a ceremony.” The father begrudgingly took the second ceremony after a coin flip to be in the first ceremony.

I called my groom leaving Tom Thumb to “broach the ceremony details.” As usual, whenever I’ve talked to him he was good natured and “aware of the situation.”

“What can we do to make my mom feel special and included?” Well, there are a number of things but what was important to her was to walk with her son. “I know you haven’t considered this before and may be able to communicate it to the bride for me but one day you will have children. One day your mother will be a grandmother. One day this day will be in the past but not forgotten. I’m going to suggest speaking to your bride and advising her of the marriage investment your mother put into this day because her parents couldn’t afford to. Sometimes it’s difficult to see the forest for the trees but everything your bride wanted has been addressed by your mother. She deserves to share this day with you. She earned it.”

I gave him a few minutes to ponder my thoughts on what was just and fair. He was in a precarious position of being the man in the middle. It’s not an easy position. It’s a position my son had years ago and it’s stressful. You can’t make everyone happy all of the time but you can be rational on wedding day. You can be respectful and you can be thankful for those who contributed to the expense of your wedding.

“Ms Wendy you’re right. I know that __ has been a bit tough to deal with throughout this process and I thought that once the wedding was over she would settle down but maybe I should talk to her and tell her it’s important to me.” Good plan.

The wedding went off without a hitch and the bride had an eye opening enlightenment regarding her new mother in law being an ally rather than an enemy vying for the attention of her new beau. One day she will be a mother and her parents who bothered to show up at the wedding but didn’t bother to do anything else will probably show up at the birth of her child but her new mother in law will be involved. Excited. Shopping for her new grandchild and an active part of its life.

Why parents push the person their children are marrying away I have no idea. Marriage is a merger. It merges families. It blends people who may not blend well.

I’m glad we were scheduled so early today as I head to my next “socially distant ceremony.” I’m happy that things worked out and I had time to enjoy my coffee while sitting in the parking lot watching guests take selfies and wait their turn to congratulate my couple.

“When KINDNESS is CONSISTENT it becomes CONSTANT.” Cindy Daniel

Socially distant weddings are so odd to me. I miss being in a room crammed with guests and family. I miss the party environment. The celebration. The precious moments.

What I also miss the most are my prison weddings. I can’t wait for visitation to reopen. There are no arguments over rehearsal dinners or the procession. There are no issues of entitlement. There are amazing people who are thrilled to be getting married and thankful for the opportunity…